Monsters of Rock Cruise 2023 – Review by Dawn Osborne

The Monsters of Rock Cruise is a major date in my diary, the only holiday abroad I maintained during the Pandemic. As long as it was going ahead I was there. Adding to the excitement this year the weather was dangerous… but worth the risk ..(yes Stephen Pearcy was on board and stayed the entire time this year).

While I was in Cape Canaveral before the Cruise started, on the way back from visiting NASA (which I absolutely loved, so inspirational) the tornado alarm in my cab went off and the local taxi driver seemed genuinely scared “tell me if you see the tornado and I will break the speed limit”. Luckily the rain was so heavy I couldn’t see a thing and we got to the hotel unscathed, but this inclement weather in Florida did delay some of the Pool stage concerts for the first two days. However, every single concert was re-scheduled and it totally did not spoil my enjoyment. Often a gig was rescheduled inside the ship, which is better for my lily white skin and, in fact, the schedule changes resulted in less clashes of bands I wanted to see overall. Total Result!!! Looking back the Cruise was a unique and outstanding experience as it always is!!

Everyone’s cruise experience is different, as there are literally thousands of ways you can spend your day. So this is, and only can be, based on my individual experience. Having said that I go out of my way to attend as many events as possible and I am on the go from the very first events around 10am till the bands end at 1am.

Day 1

Boarding the ship check, Internet arranged check, hand luggage dropped off, I jump right in with a concert from Vain who did everything he could to engage the audience. Unfortunately some people are still getting on the ship, but he does not let that spoil a thing for those that make it. Paul Taylor from Winger joined as a special guest as apparently he was in high school with Davy, who knew that!! There were a few technical difficulties, but it was hit after hit from the first album and he gave the crowd what they wanted from first to last.

I am only one concert in and I have a totally surreal experience. I am in my cabin, I have the announcements switched off, but I hear something about Lynch Mob. Is the delayed sail away going ahead. I have to know. I decide to ask the first person I see. I approach a guy from behind and say “You don’t happen to know if Lynch Mob are on stage yet?” I just say the word Lynch and my eyes fall out of my head when the person turns around and it is George Lynch HIMSELF. I say “George, I guess you are not onstage”. His room turns out to be near mine on the ship. I find out from the horse’s mouth that the show will go ahead instead on another day. An experience I will never forget and I have only been on the cruise an hour or two.

I scooted off to Wig Wam, boy they were good live. Many people mentioned how strong Age’s voice is, maybe they didn’t expect it from a band that plays up the comedy of being an eighties inspired band, but they were totally serious contenders and sounded fantastic. Age has totally taken the Space Age theme of the cruise to heart wearing an outfit of silver leather. Peacemaker has really raised the awareness of this band with the cruise crowd and they are a party band, great to have early on the cruise. Ted Poley is a special guest for ‘Hard to Be a Rock N Roller’. For ‘Do Ya wanna Taste It’ people are doing the Peacemaker dance. It’s only early evening, but the cruise is on!!

I hot foot it to Vandenberg, but they were having technical difficulties, so with the delay I have to get to see Autograph in the Star Lounge, but on the way I see Nuno Bettencourt and get a selfie, everything happens for a reason! Autograph are joyful and tight. Jimi Bell is now established as their guitar player. They dedicate the show to Randy Rand who is not present having sadly passed a year or so ago.

I go to the top of the ship to the Viking Crown to catch Janet Gardner as Garner James, take some pictures, get a selfie and manage to catch them doing some Vixen, which, of course, was great!!

I saw Tyketto in Studio B. They are making the absolute best of the fact that with the Pool stage down they have no competition and the show is super full. They sound fantastic, Danny still has a voice like a siren, pure and clear and they are dynamic and exciting to watch. I am surprised to learn that Chris the guitarist and Michael the drummer are leaving the band, but it must have been good for them to go out on a high with their Cruise shows. It was good to hear that the band will carry on, despite the line up change.

I catch up with Chris Holmes and take pictures. He is hanging out in the lift lobby making friends with Cruisers who cannot believe their luck.

Day 2

My day starts early with photo experiences with Doro, Wig Wam, Extreme, Vandenberg and Hardcore Superstar. It’s not even lunchtime yet. It’s lovely to see all the bands in good humour and while it may not be as exciting for them as for the Cruisers, you would never know. I leave with a smile on my face.

My first stop is Michael Schenker doing a mixture of his solo albums and the biggest UFO hits. He looks cool as a cucumber in Studio B. Delivering beautiful solos and pointing his guitar, the crowd are thrilled to see such a legend on the ship.

On my way to the Hardcore Superstar Q and A I see Davy Vain by the lift, he is friendly and relaxed. It is surreal to see so many famous faces everywhere you go. HCSS are telling funny stories about how their worst show ever is in full on the Internet. Apparently one critic said “they are not even a new Bang Tango” and they write a song to get back at him. They have already lost a man, apparently Martin had a big win at the Casino last night and he is sleeping off his celebrating into early Sunday morning (isn’t that one of their songs?). Apparently Jocke combines the set list “me, me, me, me”. He tells the story about how after a sold out show in Gothenburg his mum finally realised why he decided he wanted to do, what he now does, when he saw Motley Crue when he was nine. They talk about how surreal it is to have major stars like Slash in their dressing room at events like Sweden Rock.

I head off before it ends to see Stephen Pearcy in the theatre who is still looking cooler than ever, still totally bringing the vocals and still showing off his totally hot buns in spandex boot cut trousers… I sing all the words to the huge Ratt hits and manage to get right to the front. I am so glad he stays on the ship for the whole time this time (Last time he did the sail away show and then went to the shore not staying for the actual journey made by the ship through the Caribbean.)

I run to the Viking Crown for the Tesla Q and A and they are totally down to earth in their honest and frank discussions of what it is like to be a working band, from the heady days of the eighties, till today. Jeff is not there he is resting his voice. I think I hear that they learned a trick of putting nose oil on guitar strings from Ronnie Montrose… really, did I hear that right? I check with another member of the crowd, they say I did. .The band laugh about incidents, for example, when Brian was handed a bass on stage from a guitar tech with no strings… no strings attached.. ahem.. Apparently Don Dokken said to them “If I had produced your first album it would have sucked”. You never now what you will hear at these things.

I go to the theatre to get ready for Kix. Another unforgettable moment happens. I realise I have lost my ear plugs, they are pretty expensive and I don’t have spares except for cheap foam ones, so out of desperation I say to the crowd who are already there, has anyone seen any ear plugs. To my complete amazement one man says what colour are they? I say blue joined together by a jelly string. He says I think I have them. This would have been totally amazing in itself. I lost them at the Stephen Pearcy show and I have been out of the theatre and so has everyone else since, the ear plugs are tiny and hundreds of people have trooped in and out (as they clear the theatre after every show while the next bands gets ready). I then hear something which beggars belief. Apparently Stephen Pearcy flicked a towel, it must have caught the jelly string in my earphones and whipped them out (I had felt nothing) they had gone over my head to the man behind me who had thought they were Stephen Pearcy’s so had kept them. Not only that the man who had caught the ear plugs was a creature of habit and had gone back to the very same spot. Also out of all the people in the theatre, thousands, he was in earshot when I asked in a hopeless manner if anyone had found the plugs. What are the odds? I still have the naughty earplugs and am very grateful to have received them back. But along with the George Lynch incident the day before I am beginning to think I should have bought extra lottery tickets. I am amazed and tell both stories to everyone I see for the next couple of days. The gods are with me.

I stay for the whole Kix set, as they usually do two different sets on the ship and because they are really one of my favourites, although I have so many favourites on this ship. ‘Hot Wire’, ‘Midnight Dynamite’ ‘Ring around Rosie’.. song after great song. Ronnie is no longer in the band, but the new guitarist does a good job and it is still a totally energetic, spectacular experience. I get a killer shot of Brian with his arm over his head like Punky Meadows. Jimmy Chalfant, having had some serous health problems lately, did make it onto the boat and joined the band for the last two songs. I am so glad I made sure to catch the whole set, as although I did not know it at the time, shortly after the cruise Kix announced they would retire. Luckily I engaged with the band 100 percent like I always do, so I missed nothing, savouring every moment. Thank god!

At this point I haven’t really eaten much for 24 hours, I always lose weight on the cruise!! I don’t care. I hot foot it to see Spike who dedicated ‘Have A Drink’ to Guy Bailey who recently passed. Spike is telling funny stories about getting pissed on a plane with Bono from U2’s mum. To finish he does ‘I Don’t Love You Anymore’ and ‘7 O’clock’. I stay back to offer my condolences as I haven’t seen him properly since Guy died.

Next I see Stryper in the theatre. Michael Sweet is looking so elegant and sounding amazing and Robert Sweet is a bundle of whirling blonde hair, sitting sideways on stage so we can see everything that is going on. Oz is looking happy and well and Perry is his usual smiley, joyful self. Classics like ‘Calling on You’ ‘Soldiers Under Command’ and ‘To Hell With the Devil’ are mixed with newer songs and stories about the eighties when the boys were prettier than the girls. Michael says since they put the Stryper logo on the bibles they throw out there is never one left behind in any venue. Loved the show!

The Lynch Mob sail away show finally goes ahead on the Pool stage and the wind is blowing George Lynch’s hair around his handsome face. Jimmy the drummer has totally cut off all his hair, from down to his ass to a crew cut. I would not have recognised him. He is totally getting away with being in the wind as a result. A totally enjoyable set includes one of my favourite rock songs ever ’It’s Not Love’.

Autograph are in the theatre gone midnight. They are totally killing it, but my jet lag is totally kicking in. Even though I love this band’s songs I have to sit down and my body and brain are screaming to go to bed. Maybe I should have made a point of making time to eat after all. I miss Hardcore Superstar who are rescheduled from the pool to late inside, but I just physically cannot make it. It’s the only time I have a fail, but I have to go to see Autograph and then go to bed. The Cruise is a marathon not a sprint and sometimes the spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak!

Day 3

The ship has reached the Dominican Republic where I have never been, so I make a point of getting off the ship. I don’t stay long, the sun is brutal to me. On my way back I see Hessu from Reckless love and Jacob Bunton also wandering out to take a look.

I manage to shoot the Chris Holmes show on the Pool Stage. They deliver impressive versions of WASP classics like ‘Love Machine’ but I cannot stay out for the whole set. It was amusing to see singer Ollie Tindall resort to wearing his double Budweiser print pajamas, as Chris apparently insisted that he wear something lighter than the jeans he was intending to wear (even funnier to hear Ollie explain that he owned the Budweiser pajamas before they signified something political in the US (the recent controversy over the celebration of trans rights in their advertising)). Bassist Lex Gifford was forced to rip the sleeves off one of his favourite shirts to avoid sunstroke and, as he did not have an alternative to jeans, he was nearly fainting (he didn’t in the end).

I make it to the Lee Aaron photo experience and it is lovely to see her looking stunning in a red leather jacket.

I make it to Eddie Trunk’s interview of Larry Morand who talks about his experiences as owner and promoter of the cruise, and Doro who talks about her future plans, she is still as dedicated as ever to her music and looks amazing. She talks about it never being a problem for her to be a women as she was always supported by the huge bands around her like Dio, Saxon and Motorhead.  She says she saw Gene Simmons a few days ago, he apparently asked her “How’s the money situation?” We all laughed as how true to form he always is.

Tesla, another of my favourite bands are brilliant in the theatre. Another amazing band with amazing songs, very nostalgic as they performed under pictures of the band as younger men.

Gary Cherone is his usual charismatic self with Extreme on the Pool stage, really an exceptional front man in terms of his inventive antics. Nuno’s playing is superb as usual. If we had only known how lucky we were (keep reading). They play the classics, but include material from the excellent new album as well, first time I have seen any of the new tracks live. They still find time to half joke after they play a new track “now we will play something you know, and something we know” and when they see Jimmy Chalfant the drummer from Kix in the audience  “everything I learned I learned from Kix”. It was funny to hear the crowd singing more than words, it’s all high register girls, the band has to smile.

The second Michael Schenker set in two days, we are really living our best lives!!

I make it to Stryper Q and A. It’s lovely to see the band be really patient and loving to their fans, staying afterwards to do every selfie and sign everything so that not one person was left out.

My evening then consists of the lovely smiley Doro delivering a scorching set of her classics and Winger delivering a greatest hits set in the theatre. I so wanted to see the all star Rare Hare show, but my body has given in again and I have to crash.

Day 4

I started my day with paint class with Adrian Vandenberg. We are meant to be painting Slash, but Adrian goes off freestyle and paints a Pierrot face. I finally get a chance to have time for a good breakfast after not having time to eat properly over the last few days. It seems for me rock music will always win over food, not that I don’t love my food, but it still cannot compete with a line up like this. I finish my painting and leave a bit early to make the Chris Holmes photo experience.

The ship is in Haiti, but I don’t get off the boat, I have visited Labadee when the cruise came here before and Reckless Love are playing their first show in studio B after being rescheduled from the Pool stage due to bad weather. The band are really enjoying getting in front of a US audience and Olli tirelessly engages the crowd so that they have the time of their lives, thanking the crowd for not getting off the boat and choosing to be with the band instead.

Lee Aaron is in the theatre and she is running around like a teenager, totally rocking the place.  There’s one large black guy who knows every word of every one of her songs and she makes a total fuss of him. She is also well aware that every one here could be on the beach instead and, as a consummate front woman, she makes everyone feel special. Still kicking high and reaching all the high notes she looks half her age. Playing the guitar everyone is reminded that she is not only a front woman, but writes and produces her own material. Interestingly they deliver a different version of ‘Metal Queen’ with a slower riff and more of a bluesy groove, reflecting the way her material has been going for a fair few years now.

I don’t have time to see the whole of the Eddie Trunk show today, but I catch a bit of Taime Downe and Faster Pussycat. The Stryper Sweet brothers drop in and Pat Badger, bassist from Extreme is also there chatting about their new album, Nuno and Gary are not. Later we learn the reason and that Nuno has been injured in a basketball game Rockers against the Cruisers. It is a serious injury (and he appears with Gabrielle playing the bongos on crutches. Word begins to spread on the ship.. Oh no! Is he ok and will he have to cancel his next shows… )

It’s Winger on the Pool deck and, reminding everyone of the rich heritage of the band, they do their medley including Alice Cooper, Starship, Journey, Cinderella, Dokken and Whitesnake songs, reflecting all the major bands their members have been part of over the years.

I go back for another huge does of Tesla in the theatre. Jeff is wearing skinny white snakeskin trousers, it seems everyone is drinking from the fountain of youth on this ship. I gate crash the Tesla Fan Club exclusive area in the pit by mistake, but soon find a spot I am able to settle and get some good pics. I am glad I caught the whole of both of their sets as they announce they won’t be on the Cruise next year.

I stop off for some Wig Wam Q and A and catch Age promising the Americans that after the band’s success in Peacemaker (as the band featured in every show in the intro dance sequence one minute 7 seconds exposure every episode) they are going to be like cockroaches “you will never get rid of us”. It seems they are looking for a record deal as they are unsigned as they did not think their record company was working hard enough. They also told the story about how their promoter dropped them “for being a pain in the ass and wanting to play live”, but how after Peacemaker the band is definitely on the way up.

The second Kix show is on the Pool Deck but at least it has cooled down. They ring the changes and this time ‘Red Lite, Green Lite’, ‘Scarlet Fever’ ‘Cold Shower’ and ‘Love Me With Your Top Down’ make it into the set. After being tired for the last  two evenings I am starting to get used to being on American time and am getting my second wind. Whilst they did not tell us they were planning to retire they did make reference to Jimmy’s health and some issues Steve has been having. Jimmy joined them again for the last two songs. He actually looks very well you would never know he had been ill to look at him.

The Cruel Intentions are one of the younger bands on the boat and they totally attack their set. They do very well and so they should be back.

I drop by Chris Holmes Q and A and DJ Will did a great job of covering the questions explaining how he was sitting next to Chris when he went to see the premier of ‘The Decline of Western Civilisation’. Will recalled saying to Chris “people will soon forget about this”, “how wrong I was”. Chris recalls that the Producers got him genuinely wasted before the interview and that he was supposed to receive $300 for the appearance, but never even got paid.

Stephen Pearcy was looking sharp again at his Pool show in top to toe black leather emblazoned with ‘Break Your Heart’. It is such a buzz to see yet more of my favourite rock songs ‘You’re In Love’  and ‘Round and Round’, to name but two, still being played superbly live. Someone has turned up in a giant inflatable lady costume with truly enormous breasts. Stephen christened him ‘two tits’ and the crowd appropriately … well …titter.

Day 5

It’s already the last day!! I start it off with style at the Michael Schenker photo experience, it was funny to see Michael’s face when he saw how many people were in the queue.. yes you are super popular Michael!!

I caught Spike’s second set in the Viking Crown. Hilariously, he has obviously been drinking for the whole Cruise, but like a true Rockstar it totally does not affect the quality of his performance. I can see Spike saying it enhances it. Taime Downe is in the audience and perhaps the only side effect of it being 5 days into the cruise is that Spike constantly pauses to tell stories of the old days, stories about old girlfriends, those stolen by other bands and one that caused 27K dollars damage to a hotel room in revenge for Spike’s philandering “you can buy a house in Newscastle for that”. This means his set totally overruns, although only the sound engineer seems to mind (as he is supposed to get to another show on his schedule). With characteristic humour Spike also says he hasn’t seen any Rockstars on the Cruise “where are they?” And claims someone else has been going round the ship pretending to be him, someone completely drunk, said with mock outrage. Hilariously he has borrowed his acoustic guitar and he has to give it back with price tags intact and they bobbed merrily from the headstock all through the performance. It really was hilarious to everyone except for the sound engineer. I was trying to fit in another gig, but even though Spike overran I had to stay to hear every word.

So you Think You can Shred was actually mild, by comparison with some years, I thought. A girl got to the final and the judges were all really gentlemanly to her, although it did help that she was rather good. Kip Winger was even complimentary to someone who managed to get a Winger lick right that apparently no one ever does.

Chris Holmes did his second set inside and I manage to stay for it all including stuff from his solo material, but mainly WASP’s greatest songs. Apparently some of his young band have been caning the alcohol on the cruise and are really hung over, but props to them you wouldn’t know and they did a great set. Chris was a big hit on the Cruise and I think he will definitely be invited back. He gives an impassioned plea at the end for the world to stop killing each other. He’s not wrong. He tells us how he would love to put his hands around Putin’s neck and stick something up his ass.

I catch most of Reckless Love’s set in the Star Lounge. They sound great and refuse to let the tiny stage cramp their style and Olli manage to high kick his way right through the show without actually kickin anyone or anything else. He must have amazing control. The Star Lounge is packed and this is another band that I think will be back. Simon Daniels did a classy set in the piano bar of his solo material and covers, including a great version of Queen’s somebody to love.

We are told the Extreme show is going ahead and although Nuno has to go off almost immediately at first to deal with his pain, he manages to stand up for the first song, although he has a brace on his right knee. After that he is forced to sit, but the crowd know how active he normally is, know about his injury and everyone is really sympathetic. Whilst the band sometimes like to joke about their squabbles, it was in fact lovely to see the brotherhood and support from his band mates with Pat kissing his head and Gary sitting down with him for parts of the set. I can honestly say that, yes the show was different, but I still really enjoyed it. Nuno couldn’t be boring if he tried. I catch a second dose of The Cruel Intentions in The Star Lounge where it is so packed it was hard to see the stage, although they sounded really good.

I manage to catch Hardcore Superstar in the theatre. Jocke was tireless in running around and keeping the energy high on the stage and the crowd were putty in their hands. Original drummer Adde was not there having been unable to make the Cruise.

Wig Wam were brilliant as a party final band. Sadly by day 5 many people have burned themselves out. I only make it to the end I think because I don’t drink. Also people have to pack and check in for flights etc on the final night, so it is not as well attended as it might have been. Undaunted the band give the performance of their lives. Truly Age has one of the very best voices on the cruise. I am exhausted but I stay till the very end to hear “Do Ya Wanna Taste It’ one last time before going home

The Cruise is always a blast. There are always a few curve balls in putting on a show consisting of 50 bands, countless more rockstars on a large boat the size of a city in tropical conditions. I can honestly say nothing has ever spoiled my fun and this time was no exception. Sign me up for 2024!!

Dawn Osborne